It is currently Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:30 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 16 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
Post subject: How to Sing the Blues
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:45 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 4:13 pm
Posts: 379
I have seen this floating around on the internet, and even seen it on the forum last year. I received it in my email again today, and still think it is funny... I hope it makes you laugh too.

How To Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away: I got a good woman-with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

I got a good woman-with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman-with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Condoleeza Rice and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City and New Orleans. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you're truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy
League institutions.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man-and it's an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Answer "Yes" if:

a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt

Answer "No" if:

a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee.

Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub
like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze.

Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie.

Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:

a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi".)

18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big $@! woman just done sit on it. I don't care

19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues. the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"

_________________
My Fender Family
04 Am Deluxe
John Mayer Signature Strat
62 Am Vintage RI Strat
Highway One (Upgraded) Strat
60's Reverse Strat
JagStang
American Special Tele
65 Deluxe Reverb
Champ 600 (RI)
Mustang I amp
Mustang III amp


Top
Profile
Fender Play Winter Sale 2020
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:50 am
Offline
Amateur
Amateur
User avatar

Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2007 2:33 am
Posts: 139
Man, this is great stuff :D And it's mostly true :D :D


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:53 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:40 pm
Posts: 873
Location: The Heartland
I think that just about covered all the bases


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:15 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2007 8:19 am
Posts: 859
Hilarious. Methinks I will have to listen to some good 'ol acoustic blues tonight for more study!

_________________
I tried to think of something clever to put here but- OH! Something shiny!!!


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:27 am
Offline
Professional Musician
Professional Musician
User avatar

Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2007 9:03 pm
Posts: 1222
Location: Texas
That is so funny!! but i will say that u can have the blues in TEXAS


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:32 am
Offline
Professional Musician
Professional Musician

Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2008 9:56 am
Posts: 2766
Location: metro Chicago USA
Thank you for resurrecting the subject. 'Saw it before and chuckled this time too.

Personally, 'find it really difficult and awkward to genuinely play the blues and not be a hypocrite. Ergo, surf, lounge, folk rock, jazz, world....

Really, like who is going to pay attention to a stupid pasty-afs major-metro suburban white boy doing jive like:

"My self-propelled lawn mower he be broken, oh yeah.

"Got them middle class suburb property tax blues.

"Third daughter's university education done cost me my vaction money.

"Got a bad case of GAS for a new G-DEC, uh-huh.

"My hedges they need trimmin' and I'm so tired.

"Lawdy lawdy, them tires on theSUV be gettin' bald.

"My woman, she going to the mall again, don't know when she be back.

"Dat dog done throwed up on the carpet, it amke me sad.

"Th' tailor, he done say, he can't let out mah trousers no mo'.

"Dat stock prtfolio, it be under-performin' again, what I gaw' do?

"Da cul de sac's blacktop all scraped up from the winter plowin', no no.

"Gotta drive to the liquor store cause ah don' got no Scotch."

The REAL bluesmen had things worth singing about. Not this picker.


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:33 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:32 am
Posts: 390
Location: La-Z-Boy
For further instruction, see this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vgvie7xh ... efault.jpg


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:56 am
Offline
Rock Star
Rock Star
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:18 am
Posts: 3084
haha, that very good and mostly true.
So I don't live in those country, I can see, I have a computer...
no blues...but it's raining :wink:


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:34 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician

Joined: Wed May 21, 2008 10:33 am
Posts: 669
Location: souderton pa.
you dont learn the blues.
the blues is somthing you live.


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:55 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:02 pm
Posts: 718
Great! Not to be taken seriously. We all can and some do have the Blues, and that's why the Blues will never die. . . . BB's big, African-American and from Mississippi, and he's a pilot who also pilots a laptop . . .

Healin' Blues
copyright (c) 2008 strat58cat

[short instrumental blues in e]

When they tell you
You got it
Then you know it’s at an end

Yes when they tell you
You got it
Then you know it’s at an end

That’s a good time
To begin agin
begin begin begin

You’ll take that news
With a smile
Yes with a smile
But after a while

you’ll know it
You’ll break, burst and show it
It’s a long mile
Yes it’s a long long mile

[instrumental break blues in e]

That kind of blues is a slow disease
Yes it’s a slow disease
Kilin’ and killin and killin
By degrees
Yes by degrees

When it puts you on yo’ knees
you're beggin’
When it puts you on yo’
you're beggin’
That’s when you heal it
Yes heal it by degrees
[instrumental end in e]

_________________
"Now, bring me that horizon."
-Capt. Jack Sparrow


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:58 pm
Offline
Professional Musician
Professional Musician
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:08 pm
Posts: 2472
Location: Virginia
When I lived in Nashville, the joke always was if you want to become a country singer, get a big bottle of whiskey, then throw away the cap. :lol:

_________________
RAMA LAMA FA FA FA


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:05 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician

Joined: Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:35 pm
Posts: 470
flamekaster wrote:
That is so funny!! but i will say that u can have the blues in TEXAS


My Ex'es all live in Texas. Which is why I live near (not in) Tennessee. 8)


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:50 pm
Offline
Rock Star
Rock Star
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2007 3:04 pm
Posts: 7056
Location: South Florida
Triskele wrote:
haha, that very good and mostly true.
So I don't live in those country, I can see, I have a computer...
no blues...but it's raining :wink:


I would imagine we ALL have computers. :wink:


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:11 pm
Offline
Professional Musician
Professional Musician

Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:51 pm
Posts: 2503
Location: Bucks County, Pennsylvania, USA
Hello JAM76,

I got quite a few chuckles outta that. :lol:

I must say though, I think Condie's cute,
but I'm up there too. :shock:

Hopefully won't need #22 for a while.

Cheers.


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:15 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician

Joined: Wed May 21, 2008 10:33 am
Posts: 669
Location: souderton pa.
that was great.


Top
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 16 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 7 hours

Fender Play Winter Sale 2020

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to: