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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:03 am
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A man and a woman go into a bar and take a secluded table at the rear of the club. A cocktail waitress taking an order at a booth a few steps away suddenly notices that the man is deliberately sliding down in his chair and under the table but his companion acts unconcerned.

The waitress watches as the man slides completely out of sight beneath the table. Still, the woman appears calm and sedate, apparently unaware that he has disappeared.

The now-curious waitress approaches the table and says to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman looks up at her and drolly replies, "No he didn't......my husband just walked in the door."

:shock:

Arjay

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 10:21 am
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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lights up a cigarette. The man next to him comments, “Excuse me for asking, but I never seen such a big BIC lighter in my life. Where did you get that?”

The 1st man replies, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“I’d like to hear the story”, replies the other patron.

The 1st man continues, “I found an old bottle, and when I rubbed it, a Genie appeared, and said he would grant me one wish-anything I wanted.”
The 2nd man thought it was an odd to wish for a cigarette lighter, but continued, “Do you mind if I try rubbing the bottle?”. So the 1st man goes out and returns a minute later with a bottle, and hands it to the other patron. “Good Luck”, he chides.

The other man rubs the bottle, and sure enough, out pops a Genie. “I will grant you one wish. Choose wisely!”.
The man excitedly replies, “I wish for a million bucks!”. “Your wish has been granted” replies the Genie, and then disappears out the door.
Nothing happens for a minute, when all of a sudden the front door of the bar bursts open, and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring into the bar-room.

“That idiot”, says the second man. “I didn’t wish for a million DUCKS, I wanted a million BUCKS!. That ‘ol Genie didn’t hear what I wished for!”.

To which the 1st man replies…“Do you really think I wished for the world’s biggest BIC?”


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Aug 14, 2013 11:33 pm
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ripitup555 wrote:
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."


:lol:
this thread, always a smile, miss the MIA posters here.

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:53 am
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A customer walks into a bar with a duck under their arm and orders a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve pigs here". The customer informs the bartender that "the animal is a duck, not a pig." The bartenders retorts, "I was talking to the duck".

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 4:57 am
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Guy walks into a bar and tells bartender he's doing something different for vacation this year. He says "the last few years, I took your advice...

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Mary got pregnant!

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Mary got pregnant again!!

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Mary didn't get pregnant again!!!"

So the bartender asks what he's gonna do different this year...


The guy says "this year I'm takin' Mary with me."

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 8:13 am
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nicked this off the talking dog thread:
"A fellow walks in his local pet shop looking to buy a dog, talking to the shop owner, the owner says " take a look at those two, they are a little older but house broken and well behaved". the fellow does look them over and because they both look equally good he can't make up his mind and then asks the owner for some help. The owner said " they are both quite nice the only real difference would be that one talks" as he was pointing at the retriever. The fellow says your kidding and walks over to talk to the talking dog and sure enough the dog talks back very well. The fellow tells the dog " That's amazing were did you learn to talk like that?" and the dog said " I was in the CIA for several years stationed everywhere Russia, North Korea, Iraq, Iran and I basically would listen to the bad guys and then report back to headquarters whatever I heard, but I'm retired now and would just like to be a pet to a nice family and take it easy." The fellow turns to the owner and said " I like the talking dog, I'll take him, how much do you want?" and the owner said " 10 dollars." The fellow was surprised and asked the owner " why do you want only 10 dollars for this talking dog?" The owner said "Because that dog is a liar he never did any of that stuff."

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:33 pm
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 4:58 pm
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Oh

My

Gawd

(in my best Janice voice)

You didn't really make me read all that for nothing?
Jim, I'm gonna be watching you from now on.


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:34 pm
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog and tells the bartender he has a talking dog.
The bartender says if he proves it he'll get free drinks for the night.

So the guy says to the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog responds, "Rough!"

The bartender is unimpressed, but the man continues, "Good, now what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!"

The bartender starts to look annoyed, but the man continues-
"Good, now who is the best baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"

The bartender is unimpressed and physically throws the man and his dog out of the bar.
As they land on the sidewalk outside the dog looks at the man and says, "Hmm, the bartender must be a Red Sox fan"

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 11:30 am
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The PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE walked into a bar.

.... it was TENSE. :?

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:39 am
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An Irishman walks out of a bar . . . . . Hey it could happen

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:41 am
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A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "I'm here to shoot the bastard that's sleeping with my Wife"!

A voice from the back yells back "Brother, you haven't got enough bullets"

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:28 pm
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:39 pm
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A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you."

The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink."

He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses. And then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today." "What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked. "No, no, no," the guy said. "They're okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 4:54 am
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Video tells it all.

https://youtu.be/PVZieID1pwk

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