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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 5:14 pm
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Aspiring Musician
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Solid Body Love Songs wrote:
An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish guy walk into a bar. They’re having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

The Irishman observes, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and then MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!” All three agree that sounds like a nice place indeed.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn there’s this place called Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink and then Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink!” Everyone agrees that sounds like an even better bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshawski’s they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then they take you in the back room and get you laid!”

“Wow!” exclaimed the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replied the Polack, “but it happened to my sister!”

+ 10


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 6:07 pm
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Aspiring Musician
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Two irish guys wake into a bar, first guy says, I'll get the first round, second guy says OK I'll get the second one, first guy orders 1 scotch, 1 buorbon, 1 beer. The bartender brings his order, the second guy says what about me? first guy looks him over and says, what? you said you'ed get the second one, bartender howals!


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:31 pm
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this one is "walks into a tattoo parlor" small change, sorry for bending the rules, lol.

My Bro Rusty called me the other day and asked "what are you doing?" I said "nothing really, what do you want to do?" Rusty said "lets go and get tattoos". I said "ok, lets go get tattoos". We went to the tattoo parlor and we walk in, the tattoo artist comes out and says " "how can I help you gentlemen?". Rusty said " I have 1000 bucks and I want you to tattoo a 100 dollar bill on my weiner, I have my reasons but I can't tell you. Could you do this for me?". The tattoo artist said "for 1000 bucks I'll do that for you". So they go in the back and the artist is tattooing then stops and asks"tell me, why do you want a 100 dollar bill tattooed on your thingy?". Rusty said " I have my reasons I just can't tell you". The artist keeps working on the tattoo then pauses again and asks " now really, why do you want this tattoo?". Rusty again says " I have my reasons I just can't tell you". So the tattoo artist keeps working on the tatoo and when he was finished they came out front and Rusty took out the 1000 dollars to hand it to the artist. The tattoo artist said "forget about the 1000 bucks and please just tell me why you wanted a 100 dollar bill tatooed on your weiner". Rusty said "there are 3 reasons, first I like to play with my money, second I like to watch my money grow, and third the next time my wife wants to blow a 100 bucks she can stay home and do it".

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Last edited by Solid Body Love Songs on Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:46 pm
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An obamatron walks into a Bar with a Parrot on his shoulder...

The Bartender says: "Hey... you can't bring that Parrot in here.. !! "

So the Parrot tells the obamatron to leave.. !!

Cheers!

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:57 pm
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A woman walks into a Bar, sits next to a guy and strikes up a conversation...

In the course of it she reveals that she's a Masochist... that she gets pleasure from someone inflicting pain on her...

The guy says: "Really..?? Well, I'm a Sadist, I get pleasure from inflicting pain on someone, in fact, I just got a new Bullwhip... you wanna go to my place and try it out..?? "

She says; " SURE.. !!", so they leave.

At the guy's house, he has her stripped to the waist and pulls out this shiny new black Bullwhip, playing mencingly with it across the floor...

The woman can't stand it any longer and shouts out: " OH...YES... Whip me 'til I bleed .. !!"

The Sadist looks at her and says: " No... "

;)

cheers!

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'11 FSR Am. Vtg. Ltd. Ed. CAR '57 Stratocaster (SN# LE02639)
'14 American Deluxe Ash Stratocaster
'12 Telebration Empress Telecaster
'99 Deluxe Nashville Telecaster
'12 FSR Telecaster HH
'10 Heritage H-535
'99 Martin DC-1E
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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 12:00 am
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Well, drunk walks in and says,

"Listen up! Everyone to my left is an idiot and
everyone to my right is a jerk."

Some guy gets up,
"Watch it man I´m no jerk!"

"Then move to the left you idiot!"
:P

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 12:12 am
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Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks.

A variation of the first page. :P You may commence the slapping of the knees now. Just wait until someone breaks out the knock-knock jokes! :P

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:52 am
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Ok, so this baby seal walks into a club...


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 4:03 am
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A rabbi, a traveling salesman, and a farmer's daughter walk into a bar.

The bartender does a double-take, and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Okay, okay! Maybe you'll like this one:

A chimp and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe immediately curls up and goes to sleep. The bartender asks, "What's that lyin' on the floor?" Chimp says, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

Okay, okay! How about this...Two dyslexic guys walk into a bra. :lol: :lol:

Thanks, I'll be here all week!

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 5:21 am
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Three termites walk onto a bar and ask, "Where is the bar tender?"

I walk into a bar in Red Deer. The bartender, a big muscle bound guy wearing a Flames jersey asks me what'll it be? I order a pint and when he brings it over to me I say, "Hey, did you hear the one about the Calgary Flames?" Bartender stands tall and sticks out his chest and says, "Now you just wait a minute there. I am a huge Flames fan and you see those three big iron pumping bruisers over in the corner? Well they're all Flames fans too. Are you sure you want to tell your joke about the Calgary Flames?"

I said, "Yah. You're right. I wouldn't wanna hafta explain it four times."

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 5:35 am
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Location: TURKEY
A guy is taking his little yorkshire terrier for a walk when he decides to go into a bar for a drink
The bartender ponts to a sign above the bar "No dogs allowed except guide dogs"

He goes back outside and his friend walks by and asks if he is going inside for a drink
He explains what has happened and his friend says "Here, put these sunglasses on, we'll go in the bar over the road , tell them you are blind and that's your guide dog"

They do that , the barman leans over the bar and sees the yorkie and says "That's little thing is your guide dog?, I thought guide dogs were alsations, labradors that kind of dog"

Thinking on his feet , the man starts feeling around low down, and says "Why? what have they given me?"

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:51 pm
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A bear wakes up from hibernation, and feeling grumpy, decides he could do with a drink.
He heads towards the closest town.

He walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a strong one. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve bears in here." Frustrated, the bear heads off to another bar.

He walks into the second bar, and angrily asks the bartender for a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve bears here" was the reply. Completely annoyed, the bear enquires if there are any bars that serve bears in the town. "Sure, Barney's serve bears, but they are pretty busy".
The bear doesn't care, he just wants a drink, so he gets the directions to "Barney's", and heads off...

He arrives at "Barney's" to find the place jumping, and patrons three people (and bears) deep at the bar. Really angry by now, he realizes that he has to wait a fair time to get served. Time passes, and he finally makes it to the bar, but the bartender keeps serving others in front of him. The bear feels like he is being ignored, and he sees red. Growling menacingly, he sinks his teeth into the bar, and rips off a chunk. Nervously, people (and bears) clear a space for him, and the bartender approaches him "What do you want?", he asks... "I just want a drink!" the bear mutters. "I'm sorry, but we don't serve drug addicts here" says the bartender. "I'm not a druggie!" exclaims the bear.
"Oh, yeah?" says the bartender, "what about that bar bit you ate?"


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:37 am
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A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 11:06 pm
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Screamin' Armadillo wrote:
Three guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the second two would have ducked.


russianracehorse wrote:
Two strings walk up to a bar.
The first string walks in and orders. The bartender tells him, "I don't serve strings in this bar. Get out!"
So the other string roughs himself up on the street and curls up. Then he goes in and orders.
The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says, "Yeah. So?"
The bartender says, "Well, aren't you a string too?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."



these two are my favorites--I tell them a little differently--but same jokes.

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Post subject: Re: Your Favorite "Walks Into A Bar" Joke
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 11:48 pm
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An alcoholic drives his car through the front of a bar.

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