ok so as ive recently stated im in a band. i have written 4 songs now. im putting up one of them here. i want peoples opinion it. BE HONEST! ur not gonna hurt my feelings or anything.


Ballad of a Broken Heart

Well the room smelt of old cigars
Outside lies a line of battered cars
All outside a trampy bar
Under the moon and stars

A man walks in to order his drink
He sits and begins to think
About a girl he once knew
About her eyes so blue

He thinks back to when he was in school
How he always played the fool
He saw her standing there
And the sun shone upon her hair
Well he was only sixteen and her fifteen
But she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen

He remembered how he was shy he was around her
Finally he asks her and waits for her reply
Days and days fly by with no answer
She was just not that into him

He throws his glass against the wall
And watches the glass fall to the floor
He got up and staggered toward the door steppin' in his car
He drives the road of the broken hearted
He don't know where he's goin'
But he hopes its ending soon

The rain starts a-pourin' down
He swerves to the left, He swerves to the right
All I thought about was you that night
The last thing I saw was you that night

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I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk...

What's the melody? All you posted were words.

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Tony Houston

i working on the music to it . i just wanted peoples opinion on the lyrics

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I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk...

It tells a story, I don't see a 'hook'.

Me, I write with my guitar or keyboard and a sheet of paper, sometimes the music can change the song, or you have to really try and fit the lyrics to music. Whatever works for you.

I also have RhymeZone http://www.rhymezone.com/ on my laptop when I'm writing.

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Tony Houston

Hi stryder - I've been writing songs again for the last few years after a long layoff and I've been trying to refine my craft. Here are a couple of observations:

First, thouston rightly points out that there is no hook. As you gain more experience you will find that there are different kinds of hooks, however, most are found in the chorus and your song has no chorus that I can detect.

Another is the song's structure. You start off very well with a pair of 4-line verses using the AABB rhyming pattern (the 1st 2 lines rhyme with each other, then the 2nd 2 lines rhyme). The 3rd verse is AABCDD where the number of lines has climbed to 6 and the middle two don't rhyme. After that not much else rhymes.

A ballad tells a story and you are telling it rather well. One last observation - A lot of the lines begin with the word "He".

Thouston uses an online rhyming dictionary and so do I. I even have a well-used thesaurus next to me and used it just this morning, though, they are available online, too.

Speaking of online, there are lots of sites out there. You might want to check these out:

Lots of good articles and tips . . .
http://www.addicted-to-songwriting.com/article-song-chorus.html

More tips . . .
http://www.musesmuse.com/res-beginners.html

And when you want to learn about the business of songwriting . . .
http://songwriter101.com/articles/C0_37_6/

Hope this helps!

pretty good...I've written a few songs like that..
this song sounds like one of those acoustic strum open chord songs! you might want to add maybe a chorus or something..... I've been writing songs since I was a wee lad....(no I'm not Irish) (well, part Irish)

thank for the help! i appreciate it alot

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I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk...