I get Reader's Digest eMails every so often and decided to submit a joke for their possible monetary reimbursement after publishing. They want it to be 500 characters or less, so I trimmed this one down until it fit... exactly:

One 'fix-it' weekend I discovered I'd need to borrow some tools from a neighbor of mine a few doors down the street. When I arrived, there was an apparent BBQ going on in his backyard and I found him repeating some familiar stories to the crowd. Not wanting to interrupt, I just stood there, waiting until he noticed me. Each time he started a joke, somebody yelled out, "Heard it!" Finally he said, "But I just got these from my RD today!" The guy in the crowd said, "Who do you think sent them in?"

I sent them one (true story category) several years ago, but never heard a word back. Apparently they didn't see the humorous AA irony in it:

Out on the road, I met a guy once that ran his own Laundromat and had photos up around the walls above the machines that were taken of him out in the woods. "That's me at my camp" he said while popping the top off a 'cold one'. "I go there every chance I get" he added. Then I asked, "How far away is it and how long does it take you to get there?" He polished off the brew, tossed it in the garbage, wiped his mouth off with his sleeve, reached for another one and said, "Oh.... about a 6-pack....."

I seriously thought the people at RD would get it, but it either went over their heads or the publishing business isn't what it used to be... and maybe they took offense.... I don't really know.

Maybe this time I'll get some extra coin to toss down on a new Fender axe.... either way, you read it here first.... hehehehe

They rejected the 2nd one because it's an ancient joke, and a weak one at that. Also, drinking and driving is implied, and nobody thinks that's funny.

Your first one sounds a little made-up, pandering to the editors.

The stories that earn the checks at RD are written by practiced freelancers, or by readers who do a really good job of mimicing the style of those items.

Ancient joke or not, it actually happened. I quoted him exactly and he was serious. I'd never heard such before & took it as 100% original. I've never heard the like of it since either. Every time I've recounted the story, the reaction has been the same; surprise.... drinkers or not.

Yeah, I make up the RD 'pander' joke and they probably won't print it or pay. That's why I posted them both here. Besides, both are EXACTLY 500 characters & that's a feat unto itself. And for anyone who doesn't drink (& never did.... like me; I just don't have a need for any form of alcohol. Heck, I don't even do coffee or tea.) it seems amazing that someone could judge time & distance (both at once) in that manner. BTW: Is there a conversion chart for that? I mean, does anyone have a real clue as to the approximate miles? Average speed and consumption rate are quite the shot in the dark, eh? As a joke it may well be weak, but as a calculation, it is darn hard to even guess and be anywhere close, assuming the answer is worth the effort of devining.

I would say it's sort of like either figuring out every note of a 'jam lead' precisely, or just getting the 'feel' of it and doing your own thing. I guess it all depends on experience, attitude (or sometimes mood) and what works best for both you and the tune. Take care & Thanks for your input.

Well, I first heard it about 30 years ago, told as someone measuring distance across Texas, so... there ya go.

And your laundromat pal wasn't serious. He was making a joke... as you point out, you can't measure distance by consumption. I'm guessing that's why it's supposed to be funny.

".... drinking and driving is implied, and nobody thinks that's funny."

I agree there, but the dude never said he wasn't a thirsty passenger either. That kind of drinking doesn't fair well with the expense of owning a vehicle, let alone keeping a valid license to drive it anywhere. (I figure the person who took the pictures was also his driver.)

The family who owned the club we were playing at directed us to his place. (The only one near-by in that little town.) They also said (whispered) that he was their black sheep because he was a drowning fish, far beyond alcoholic. That's why I never thought it was a joke to him or his family. When I told the 'whispering informant' what he'd said, all I got was: "That figures." They didn't even know where the 'camp' was, didn't care and probably hoped that one day he'd go and never come back. That was in the early 80's and I can pretty much be certain that by now he is long gone. It's been a good 25 years & he was no 'spring chicken' at the time.