Two Blonds were hikeing near the woods one day, When they came apon some tracks. One said those are Bear tracks the other said no there Deer tracks. They were so buisy fighting they dudent hear the train comeing.

One day a priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar, the bartender says , "what is this, some kind of joke?"


Why was Michael Jackson banned from Kmart? Because he kept asking if they had little boys pants half off. (or insert "catholic priests")


A classic one a friend sent to people in the 70s in the mail printed. Remember no email or no personal computers.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/namedsex.asp


My Dad's favorite:
There's one of those southern baptisms in the river and a kid is getting baptised.
The minister dunks the kid's head under water, lifts him out and says "Do you believe?"
The kids says "I believe".
The minister dunks the kid's head under water again, lifts him out and says "Do you believe?"
The kids says "I believe".
The minister dunks the kid's head under water again, lifts him out and says "Do you believe?"
The kids says "I believe".
The minister says "What do you believe?"
The kid says "I believe your trying to drown me".



This lady is making a cake for her friends and she accidentally drops a box of bb's in the cake.....oh wait I can't tell that one. How about, a guy walks in a bar the bartender says I have this monkey....oh wait, can't tell that one either. Guess I'm out of jokes.

Gentlemen Quiz
Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

What do you get when you cross a Tiger with a Elephant

_________________
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.

Thomas Jefferson

I don't know. What do you get when you cross a Tiger with a Elephant?

A TELEphant...an elephant who owns a collection of telecasters!

_________________
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." Mahatma Gandhi

Owner of:
-2008 American Standard Strat in Candy Cola Red
-Vibro-Champ XD
-Fender CD-60 Acoustic (Sunburst)

The elephant's memory

Do elephants really have memories? Here's an interesting story! I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting ...

In 1987, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1987, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant ...

Costello buys a computer from Abbott
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! Okay, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on "START" ...

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

_________________
you can save the world with your guitar one love song at a time it's just better, more fun, easier with a fender solid body electric guitar or electric bass guitar.

Is it too soon?

I hear Jack Nicholson is unwell. Swine flu over the cuckoo's nest...

Also:



Cheers - C

Q. What bird is the symbol of wisdom?
A. The owl
Q. What bird is the symbol of strength?
A. The eagle
Q. What bird is the symbol of love?
A. The dove
Q. What bird is the symbol of true love?
A. The swallow

a chimpanzee walks into a bar and is talking to the chimp bartender:
Chimp; "a penquin takes his car into the auto shop and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out".
Bartender; "what kind of car?"
Chimp; "a damn penguin car alright! anyway he goes across the street to the 7/11 to kill some time and get some ice cream. you know, penquins love ice cream"?
Bartender; "vanilla"?
Chimp; "sure! but because he's got no hands the poor little fella gets the ice cream all over his beek , so , he goes back to the mechanic and the guy tells him " looks like you blew a seal", and the penquin tells him "no thats just a little ice cream".

_________________
you can save the world with your guitar one love song at a time it's just better, more fun, easier with a fender solid body electric guitar or electric bass guitar.