Thanks for sharing this joke

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"There is more to life than increasing its speed." Mahatma Gandhi

Owner of:
-2008 American Standard Strat in Candy Cola Red
-Vibro-Champ XD
-Fender CD-60 Acoustic (Sunburst)

There is a doctor people from all over the world go to to get cured of their various illnesses. In the waiting room, a sick man sees an old lady with a hunchback and a cane walk in to be helped. In only ten minutes, the lady emerges, back straight as an arrow. the man goes up to her and says, "Look at you! You're cured! It's a miracle!" the lady then says, "Miracle Shmiracle- he gave a longer cane!"

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Fender Classic Series '50s Stratocaster, 2-Tone Sunburst
Carlos 207
Dunlop Crybaby
Digitech RP50
One WORKING Pro Junior

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.

"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

'Democracy'

True stories

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 'S Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Absolutely classic. I've never heard anything to beat that before and probably never will.

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No no and no

Kind of offensive but the punchline makes up for it.
Read with thick southerner accent.

Three southern gentlemen were talking about their first days as a married men.

The first man said: I married a gal from Tennessee and I told her that everyday the meal better be ready when I come from work. Well it took two days of beating and on the third day there was this nice T-bone steak waiting for me when I got home from work.

The second man said: I married this nice gal from Arkansas and I told her that everyday the meal better be ready and the home better be clean when I get home from work. Well it took three days of beating and on the third day there was this nice prime ribs on the table and the house was spotless.

The third man said: Well I married this Icelandic gal and I told her that everyday the meal better be ready and the house and the kids better be clean. Well after two days the swelling around my eyes had subdued enough so I could make myself a sandwich.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

So this joke is from the movie Memphis Belle.

So this British fighter pilot got captured and as torture he was going to have his arms and legs removed. He asks when they remove his first arm to send it home which the Germans do. A week later they come to remove his other arm he asks for them to send it home, which they do. They come to remove his leg a week later and once again the pilot asks to send it home. When the Germans come to remove his last leg and he asks to send it home the Germans say "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

Sorry if it was long. I thought it was funny when they said it in the movie.

These might be considered quite offensive, especially in the UK.....so sue me!


What is the main similarity between Jade Goody and a moped?

"they never get past 40."



What did Jade Goody look like in her wedding dress?


"a shuttlecock."



and last but not least........




"Women's rights!"

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Another of Ceri's talking dog stories:

Two guys chatting in a bar. One says; "Do you want to buy my talking dog?"

The other replies; "A talking dog? I don't believe you."

First guy; "No honestly, he can talk. Worth a fortune, but you can have him cheap."

Second guy; "How can a dog talk? Never heard of - "

At that moment the dog interupts: "If I may interject at this point? I can indeed talk. I speak four languages; I have sung professionally in public; furthermore, I have travelled a great deal; been recognised for my work for charity; and I and several Huskies were the first all-dog team to reach the South Pole."

Second guy turns to first: "Good grief, this is amazing! Why do you want to sell this valuable talking dog?"

First guy: "I just can't take the lies anymore..."

- C

Funniest one yet. You can consider Operation Funny Joke "Mission Accomplished".

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

A husband and wife were driving in their car, arguing as usual over why the husband refused to wear his seat belt while driving, when sure enough, red lights in the mirror. Before pulling over, the husband slyly reached over, pulled the seat belt across his lap, and clicked it in, the whole time pleading with his wife to play along.

The officer came up to the window and said to the husband "Sir, I've been following you for awhile and it appeared that you weren't wearing your seat belt."

"Oh no, Officer," said the husband. "I assure you I had my seat belt on the whole time."

The officer said "Well it looked to me as if you only put it on when you saw me in your mirror."

The husband, starting to feel desperate, said "Please Officer, if you don't believe me, ask my wife. She's as honest as the day is long. She would never lie to to an officer of the law."

"Well, ma'am" said the officer.

The wife said "Officer, if there is one thing I've learned after thirty years of marriage, its never argue with him when he's drunk."

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“All music is folk music, I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.” Louis Armstrong