It is currently Tue Mar 17, 2020 1:44 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Author Message
Post subject: The Jokes Thread
Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 7:51 pm
Offline
Amateur
Amateur
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:03 pm
Posts: 100
Location: Bawl'mer Merland
This is a sequel to the riddles thread. The Jokes Thread!

Feel free to tell someone how good (or bad, but hopefully there won't be a bad joke, right?) their joke is. Here's one my dad keeps forgetting he already told me:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


a stick

_________________
Go to people's funerals, or they won't go to yours - Yogi Berra


Top
Profile
Fender Play Winter Sale 2020
Post subject:
Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:01 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:12 pm
Posts: 671
Location: Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy
well okay i'll play along... :)

I won't say anything offensive, unless people don't mind blonde jokes. They are the funniest!

OKay:

A man watched curiously as two hearses were following each other in the cemetery, behind them a man with a pitbull, and a line of 200 or so men. UNable to control his curiousity, he goes up and asks, what is going on?

The man said, "well, this pitbull killed my wife."

"what about the other hearse?"

"well, my mother-in-law died trying to save her, because the pitbull killed both."

There was a moment of silence.

"may i borrow your dog?" asked the man

"get in line," replied the widower. :D :D

-The Screamin' J

_________________
CURRENT RIG:
2008 Squier bullet stratocaster modified with Rumpelstiltskin pickups -> Dunlop GCB-95 Original Crybaby -> Fender Vibro Champ XD

"Could you take the stain from this pair of pants, and put in on this pair of pants?"


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:00 am
Offline
Rock Icon
Rock Icon
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:51 pm
Posts: 25353
Location: Witness Protection Program
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

_________________
Being able to play and enjoy music is a gift that's often taken for granted.

Don't leave home without it!


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:00 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:52 am
Posts: 745
Location: Florida
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A vocalist



How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

_________________
explorationx


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:22 am
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:53 pm
Posts: 586
Location: PA
yeah, this is kinda long, but it's just too good!!! It's a "must read!"

Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
Yea, and it was so.

_________________
I dare you to move
~Switchfoot~


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:54 am
Offline
Amateur
Amateur
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:03 pm
Posts: 100
Location: Bawl'mer Merland
great jokes people! keep 'em comin!

_________________
Go to people's funerals, or they won't go to yours - Yogi Berra


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:25 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:55 am
Posts: 302
Location: Oneida, NY
That was well worth the read FF562..... a lot of work to compose it as well, who ever the author was. BTW: Not to spoil the party, but just a little more accurate info on the 'birth of the electric bass'....
I think (Someone correct me if I'm mistaken) the first electric bass was a Telecaster Bass, either natural wood grain or "Blonde".
Maybe someone from Fender can post better information on the history of the Bass, when they introduced the Precision & Jazz versions, etc. OR.... where to go to look it up. :D Kewl read, I'm sure.

Oh yeah....... here's my joke:

What kind of guitar does Dracula play?



Answer: A Fender copy..... because they suck! ....... LOL


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:50 pm
Offline
Amateur
Amateur

Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:53 am
Posts: 116
Location: Ol' Virginny
An old guy is driving down a long country road, when suddenly his car sputters and dies. He looks down at the fuel guage and realizes that he completely forgot to fill the tank before he left.

As he's sitting there on the side of the long empty road, contemplating the walk back to civilization, a bumble bee lands on the windshield of his car.

"Hey buddy, you got car problems?" the bee asks.

"Yeah, I ran out of gas" replied the old man.

"Open the gas cap and leave the rest to me" says the bee.

With that, the bee flies away out of sight. A few minutes later, a huge swarm of bees zooms in on the car and quickly disappear into the gas tank. There is a whole lot of humming and buzzing for the next few minutes. Then as quickly as they flew in, the bees suddenly burst out of the gas tank and fly off over the horizon.

The last bee to come out of the tank flies around the car and lands back on the windshield and says "Hey buddy, try to start your car now."

The old man turns the key and the car immediately comes to life.

"That's great!" shouts the old man. "How did you do that?"

The bee replies "Oh that's easy . . . "



wait for it . . .




"BP"

_________________
Robin F. - Master of my own density.

Karaoke - the Japanese word for "death by music"


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:18 pm
Offline
Roadie
Roadie
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:34 am
Posts: 208
Location: Europe
Once upon a time, at an asylum there was sitting at the same bench a sadist a masochist a pyromaniac a killer & an animal rapist.
so the an.rapist says: if only we had a cat to f*** ! & the sadist says: oh yes & then we would torture her! yes yes & & then we would kill her, says the killer. then the pyromaniac goes on saying: yes 1st we would f*** her then we'd torture her then we'd kill her & finally we'd burn her! :twisted:
so they all turn to the masochist expecting him to say something. & he goes: meow ! :wink: :lol:


Nice?


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:26 pm
Offline
Roadie
Roadie
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:40 pm
Posts: 205
- What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese

- What do you call a cow with no arms and legs?

Ground Beef

_____________________________________________________________

So there are three kids named snowflake, raindrop, and bowling ball. Raindrop went up to her mom and asked, "Why am i named Raindrop?"
The mother responded by saying, "Because when you were born a raindrop fell on your forehead."

Snowflake then went up to her mom and asked, "Mother, why am i named snowflake?" She responded by saying, "Well when you were born a snowflake fel on your forehead."

Then bowlingball came up to his mom and said, "Derrr..."


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:22 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:55 am
Posts: 302
Location: Oneida, NY
Since you mentioned Karaoke and this IS a joke thread..... that crap has to be THE biggest joke of all time, only recently surpassed by the plastic garbage they're selling called Rock Star....... AS IF !!!

As a pro musician over the last 44 years, I've seen just about every lounge-club joke that ever went down.... and now this? WTF?

The women who come out to the clubs in groups of 2 or more, have a good time dancing & mooching drinks off from as many guys as they can tease..... then on the way home, laugh amongst themselves about how many fools they fleeced.....

The men who can barely dance (that try and impress the women -just mentioned- with their fancy footwork & fat wallets) who are stupid enough before they get drunk (let alone after) to request a ridiculous tune WHILE the band is PLAYING! You can always tell when some idiot is so drunk they're about to pass out, when they come up to the bandstand (with a drink in their hand) and:

1) Set the drink on top of a speaker cabinet so that it eventually vibrates off and smashes onto the floor, not only making a nasty mess, but if it hits on or near any floor pedals, they never work again & the aforementioned AH never pays for all the damage, even if he says he will.

2) Begins to ask you to play a song you've never even heard of, (or if you have, it's totally outside-beyond your style... couldn't or wouldn't play it if there was a gun to your head!) .... knocks the microphone off the stand, goes to pick it up and falls into the mic stand, tipping it over into the drum set, crashing the cymbals and REALLY pissing off the drummer!

3) The woman (possibly drunk, or getting there) who comes up to the bandstand to ask for a song, isn't watching where her feet are going and falls over the floor monitors into other equipment. You help her up and she gets a foot tangled in cords, yanking them out of their connections or ripping the wires off all together, then calls her lawyer to sue YOU for the injuries (to her pride), while everyone else in the place is pissed at the band because the repairs take a while.

4) The people who come up to the band after the show is over (while you are packing up) and they want you to play a few more tunes!

5) There are also 'jokes' coming INTO a club as well: Finding out the stage (IF there is one) is barely big enough for the drum set. The 'power' is ONE outlet for ALL your amps & it's on the same circuit as the refrigerator! The person with the check won't be back in town until you are supposed to be AT your NEXT gig! While you are bringing the equipment in or out, they make a big stink about letting all the Heat out in Winter & A/C out in Summer.... and THOSE are just the tip of the iceberg.... they were sick jokes back then, but now I just have to laugh at the absurdities.

I've saved THE biggest (sick) joke for last:
40 years ago the average price for an amateur HS or college 4-piece rock band (in my area) was about $200 a night. The JOKE is: The club owners don't want to pay hardly any more than that TODAY !!!!!!!! ...... anyone need to Barf?

(I know these "jokes" may be depressing to some, but to anyone who has been there & done that, hopefully, they can let the anger go & have a good chuckle.)

OK.... so here's a real joke (sorta):

A musician walking past a house notices a busted guitar sticking up out of the ground in the back yard, so he HAS to ask the home owner what that's all about. (You're probably curious too, hehehe)
The home owner says: "That marks the grave where my dog is buried."
The musician HAS to ask: "So, how did the guitar get smashed?"
The home owner replies: "I busted it over his head!"
Surprised, the musician asks: "Why did you do THAT?"
The home owner says: "Well, he'd howl his head off every time I played..... besides, I don't own a gun.... "

Apologies to all you dog lovers; When YOU re-tell it, substitute the animal of your choice.... such as a cat. (Again, sorry to all the cat lovers.... LOL) Oh yeah: Special apologies to all of the guitarists out there who got sick watching Pete Townsend at the end of a WHO show!


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:46 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:12 pm
Posts: 671
Location: Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy
A man came into a bar and noticed a smug man rambling about how this bar is magical.

The man says, "How is it magical?"

The other man replies, "if you jump off the cliff, you'll live."

SO to prove it, they went to the cliff. The Drunken man jumped off, hit the water and climbed back up.
AMazed, the other man did the same but fell 1000ft to his death.

Back at the bar, the Bar tender says, "you know superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

:lol: :lol:

How are strats and cars alike? -you pay 300 bucks to get that fender fixed!

-The Screamin' J

_________________
CURRENT RIG:
2008 Squier bullet stratocaster modified with Rumpelstiltskin pickups -> Dunlop GCB-95 Original Crybaby -> Fender Vibro Champ XD

"Could you take the stain from this pair of pants, and put in on this pair of pants?"


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:35 pm
Offline
Hobbyist
Hobbyist

Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:55 pm
Posts: 17
bss wrote:
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A vocalist



LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

_________________
What's a Guitar? What do it do?


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:46 pm
Offline
Aspiring Musician
Aspiring Musician
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:12 pm
Posts: 671
Location: Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy
So this woman went to a doctor to schedule an appointment for her husband.

The doctor asks, "what's the problem?"

"well, my husband drinks the coffee in a mug, eats the mug and leaves the handle."

"that's strange, because i find that the handle is the best part!"



Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.
***********************************
If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
***********************************
The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
***********************************
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
***********************************
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
***********************************
Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies running
around with tattoos and belly button rings.
***********************************
Money can't buy happiness --
but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
***********************************
Drinking makes some husbands
see double and feel single.
***********************************
Living in a nudist colony takes
all the fun out of Halloween.
***********************************
After a certain age,
if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

-The Screamin' J

_________________
CURRENT RIG:
2008 Squier bullet stratocaster modified with Rumpelstiltskin pickups -> Dunlop GCB-95 Original Crybaby -> Fender Vibro Champ XD

"Could you take the stain from this pair of pants, and put in on this pair of pants?"


Top
Profile
Post subject:
Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:47 pm
Offline
Amateur
Amateur

Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:53 am
Posts: 116
Location: Ol' Virginny
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

_________________
Robin F. - Master of my own density.

Karaoke - the Japanese word for "death by music"


Top
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

All times are UTC - 7 hours

Fender Play Winter Sale 2020

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to: